Hey Martha, You Aren’t the Boss. Get Over It!

“Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about many things.

Mary has chosen the better way and it will not be denied her.”

Jesus Christ, Gospel of Luke

Addictive personalities are gods unto themselves. Even those of us who may be regular church-goers still suffer from self-godliness. We’re control freaks. We rule the world and everyone in it who affects us in any way. We’re all Martha’s, the Christian Patron Saint of Control Freaks.

Like Martha we profess faith in a Higher Power, but we rarely relinquish control to that Higher Power. Every time we meet Martha in the Christian Gospels, she’s working hard at telling God what God needs to do, or she’s telling God how to correct the mistakes God has made. The quote above is taken from a story about Jesus visiting the home of the two sisters, Martha and Mary. Martha is anxious about preparing dinner while Mary is entertaining Jesus. Martha gets mad that Mary isn’t helping her and she commands Jesus to tell Mary to get up off her lazy butt and help her. Jesus stops Martha in her tracks by telling her she is anxious and worried about many things because she is constantly trying to control the world around her. In effect, he tells Martha she isn’t the boss: Get over it.

We meet Martha again in the Gospel of John when her brother Lazarus dies. As soon as Jesus comes to her home, Martha is scolding Jesus for not showing up sooner. She knows better. If Jesus had just been there a day sooner, her brother would not have died. She professes that Jesus is the son of God, but she refuses to relinquish the fact that she herself is NOT God. She tells Jesus she knows better than he does.

If you can resonate with this mindset and behavior then you need to get a grip the same way Martha does. This is one of the most difficult steps in recovery because we are so used to being in denial. We say we trust a Higher Power but we don’t. We only trust that Higher Power as long as we can control the outcome of every situation. We believe our Higher Power has to be on our team, when in fact we need to be on the team of our Higher Power.

We need to find a place of balance where we can comfortably allow our Higher Power to be in control without feeling helpless. I think this is the sticking point for many addictive personalities. We are used to being in control and it’s difficult to relinquish that internal drive to ensure our own safety and well-being. So we need to meditate our way into knowing a Higher Power who is there for us, who is on our side and who wants what’s best for us. Then we need to practice handing over the reins to this Higher Power. We can try letting go a little each day until we are comfortable enough to be responsible for ourselves while allowing our Higher Power to do those things which are beyond our control.

Of course, there are also those of us who enter recovery who are used to being victims. We may still be control freaks, but all our efforts to control life have failed and we feel betrayed by a God who never controlled life for us the way we wanted. No matter how hard we have prayed, everything has gone wrong. We are tired of feeling like a puppet dangling on strings controlled by a God who hasn’t been there for us. We’re tired of being victims. We’re tired of feeling powerless. And so we may want to rebel against a Higher Power altogether. We may say “Hey, I’m not going to be a victim anymore of life, others or God. I’m taking control of my life and I don’t need to rely on any Higher Power.” This is an addictive over-reaction, going from one extreme to another. We need to find balance, too.

True, we need to stop playing the victim by always giving our power away. But we also need to realize that when we pray we often pray for specifics, and we demand them of God when we don’t even know if they are really what’s best for us. We’re like Martha. We think we know what’s best, but we often don’t. So we need to learn to be responsible for our lives while allowing God to move us forward in ways that God knows are best for us. We can ask for what we think we need, but then we need to relinquish control by being willing to accept whatever direction our Higher Power takes us into. We need to go with the flow of life.

Mary goes with the flow of life. She isn’t anxious and she isn’t worried because she isn’t constantly trying to control the flow of the entire universe. She isn’t focused on Martha’s life. She’s willing to take what each day offers her and she’s happy to enjoy the relationships she is blessed to encounter. She does her part in being responsible for her own life and happiness and she allows God to do the rest. She nicely balances her personal power with the power of her Higher Power.