Are You Helping or Enabling?

Setting boundaries is essential for everyone’s health. When we fail to set proper boundaries, we abuse ourselves and we abuse others by enabling them to stay stuck in unhealthy behaviors.

Unhealthy codependents typically build their self-worth on their ability to do for others what those very others should be doing for themselves. This is called enabling. We do it under the guise of being helpful, but the only “help” we are giving to the other person is the “help” to stay stuck in their victimhood or addiction.

Enabling results from good intentions and poor boundaries. We enmesh with others and we choose to own their problems. We then think we are justified in fixing their problems. Subconsciously, we also are eager to earn their praise and gratitude for having fixed their problems for them, so we engage in our great powers of enabling.

In her book Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, Allison Bottke has a wonderful checklist for identifying enabling behavior. I have modified some of the questions so that they can apply to anyone. If you want to know if you are an enabler, someone with weak boundaries who is actually hurting, not helping those they love, answer these questions truthfully:

-Have you repeatedly loaned money that is never or rarely returned?

-Have you finished a project for someone because it was easier than arguing?

-Have you paid bills that were not yours to pay?

-Have you avoided talking about hard issues out of fear of being blamed?

-Have you bailed someone out of jail or paid their legal fees?

-Has “I’m giving you one more chance” become an endless threat?

-Have you wondered how he/she has money for clothes, movies or alcohol, but can’t pay his/her bills?

-Have you ever called in sick for him/her and lied to his/her boss?

If you can answer “yes” to these questions, then you have unhealthy codependent boundary issues. Most likely you are enabling someone to stay stuck in their addictive behaviors.

The first step toward setting proper boundaries is separating yourself from the other person. Stop enmeshing. Wake up and separate your own problems from those of others. Your problems DIRECTLY affect you. For example, you owe $500 on your credit card for things you charged. It is your responsibility to pay this bill and no one else’s. Your boyfriend/girlfriend or son/daughter owes $8,000 on his/her credit card. This is his/her responsibility and not yours. You didn’t make those charges and you are not responsible for paying them. You may be INDIRECTLY affected by this problem in that you are able to sympathize with him/her, but it is not your problem to solve. You didn’t overextended yourself, he/she did. And if he/she doesn’t have the means to pay for it, he/she must face the consequences.

Some people will say that this is unkind, but it is more unkind to rescue a person from being responsible for him/herself. Sooner or later, he/she needs to learn to be responsible. They need to learn to negotiate with the bank, or how to face having a bad credit record. It’s the only way they will ever mature and learn to take care of themselves.

Of course, for the unhealthy codependent, there’s a big part of us that wants the other person to be dependent upon us. This in itself is wrong. It’s manipulation and it’s pure ABUSE of the other person for our own personal gratification. If we are enabling people we say we love for the very purpose of securing their love because we are severely insecure ourselves, then we need to stop.

So next time you want to do for someone else what he/she should be doing for him/herself, ask yourself “What’s my motivation? Am I doing this for him/her or for me? Do I want to hold him/her hostage and helpless so he/she will need me? Am I that needy and messed-up myself?” If the answer is “Yes, I am that messed-up,” then get to a recovery meeting (CODA, Al-Anon, ACOA), call your therapist or do something to help yourself and the person you have been enabling so you can begin setting healthy boundaries.