Learn to Empathize with Your Own Inner-Phantom

“Say you'll share with 
me one love, one lifetime... 
Lead me, save me 
from my solitude...

Say you want me 
with you, 
here beside you... 
Anywhere you go 
let me go too - 
Christine 
that's all I ask of you”

The Phantom, Phantom of the Opera

I saw the new Broadway rendition of Phantom of the Opera last night. I always find myself initially pulling for Raoul, while empathizing with the Phantom. And it’s my empathy for the Phantom that eventually leads me to pull for him toward the end, even though I already know what the outcome will be. I realized last night that my primary reason for empathizing with the Phantom is that his story parallels my own.

Since my teenage years, I’ve always seen myself as hideous to look at. This started when I developed a horrible case of teen acne that literally ravaged my face and left it terribly scarred. Coupled with my ever-growing codependency, I had little hope of seeing myself as being good enough for anyone else.

By my college years, I definitely wanted someone to “save me from my solitude,” and with each passing year, that want became a desperate need. But who could ever love someone whose skin was so scarred? I began to feel like I, too, would have to mesmerize my “Christine” in order to ever be loved. Or I’d have to find someone that I could caretake or people-please well enough to love me.

The real difference between myself and the Phantom was that most of what I saw when I looked in a mirror was judgment—every judgment I had made against myself. “You’re ugly, you’re hideous, you’ll never be good enough, you’ll never be loved.” All of these judgments tainted my reflection in the mirror and they became a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even today, I can feel and relate to the inner-loneliness and pain of the Phantom. I can feel his desperation to be loved—by anyone. And I know I’m not alone in empathizing with his plight.

As codependents, how often have we maligned ourselves while looking in a mirror? How often have we imprisoned ourselves in loneliness through our own self-degrading beliefs about ourselves? And how often have we used desperate, manipulative behavior to try and earn or secure crumbs of love from others?

These are all patterns of behavior that recovery can help us to break and eventually heal from over time. Recovery helps us to become aware of all of the merciless judgments we make against ourselves in mirrors. It also helps us to realize that our own sense of worthlessness has caused us to use manipulative behaviors that were abusive to others, as well as to ourselves.

Eventually, through recovery programs like Codependents Anonymous, we can begin to see that even the Phantoms of this world have their beauty and are indeed loveable