Kindness Costs Nothing-- Almost

Kindness has become my theme for 2016—and maybe for life. Being kind is something that I have struggled with mostly because I have been so unkind to myself for as long as I can remember. No one has been meaner to me than I have. Sure, there have been many mean and hurtful people in my life, but I have only had to face one of them 24/7—and that’s me.

People come to me daily with their problems and I quickly pick-up on their self-effacing language: “If only I weren’t so stupid…” “I’m such a lame-brain…” and “I can never get anything right…” are just a few of the side-comments people make while talking. I don’t think most of them even realize how much they belittle themselves with negative statements.

I honestly believe that if we want to have a good relationship with others, we must start by first having a good relationship with ourselves. This means we have to start befriending ourselves through words and acts of self-kindness.

We need to catch are selves when we say something self-effacing and we need to apologize to ourselves. Then we need to immediately replace the negative statement with a kind and positive one. If we’ve called ourselves a “worthless lout,” we need to stop, say we are sorry for being so mean to ourselves and say something like “I am a worthwhile human and I deserve proper respect, even when I make mistakes. I will begin by respecting myself and I will demand that others do the same.”

We may not feel capable yet of demanding that others treat us with respect, but the more we are kind and respectful to ourselves, the more we will be confident in demanding proper dignified treatment from others.

Likewise, the more we accept and empathize with our own inner-brokenness, and the more we come to love ourselves despite our flaws, the more we with empathize with the brokenness of others. And we will then find it easier to be kind with other people even if they fail to reciprocate.


Self-kindness costs us nothing—aside from giving up our self-loathing. And that seems like a pretty good trade-off to me. Kindness towards others also costs us nothing and yet it can gain for us an inner-circle and a world that is far gentler and more loving than we ever imagined. That, too, sounds good to me.

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