Expectations are Preconceived Resentments

When autumn hits Chicago, it’s easy to recognize October in the cool air. I remember hearing the fallen leaves crunch under my shoes as I was walking down Sheffield Avenue toward Dickens one Saturday afternoon. I also remember wondering if life was ever going to live up to my expectations. God, the world, everyone had been holding out on me, I thought, as I entered the Lincoln Park Alano Club. I was tired of being cheated out of life.

The 4:00 p.m. Codependents Anonymous meeting began and I wasn’t much into it. I was more into my head—a very dangerous place to be—when suddenly I heard someone say “expectations are preconceived resentments.” My eyes followed the voice and I saw it was Bill speaking. I sat straight up as if cold water had been splashed in my face and immediately realized he was right-on. I had a lot of expectations, of preconceived resentments, and they were making my life miserable.

I’d spent years blaming everyone else for my problems. It never occurred to me that all of my disappointments were caused by my own expectations. But then, I wasn’t even conscious of the numerous expectations that were swimming around in my little maniac mind 24/7. Now I understood: I was constantly placing expectations on myself and others; and many of them were completely unrealistic. I had some sort of Disney fantasy playing an unlimited engagement between my ears; and like the expectations that lined the script, this never ending flick was a nightmare of self-sabotage. Big expectations lead to big disappointments mostly because they’re totally unenforceable. No one on this earth is required to live up to our expectations of them.

After the meeting, I hopped the L-Train into downtown. As we were clanking toward the towering city lights, I had another revelation: Most of my expectations of others were unvoiced. They never even made it passed my lips. Unvoiced expectations are the worst. For example, ever fantasized about how someone’s going to do something really wonderful for you? You know, your birthday’s coming up and there’s someone special you like and you’re picturing them taking you out to dinner, giving you a beautiful gift, and telling you how much they love you. Ah, you feel warm all over and you’re so happy! It’s all so perfect in your head and, after you’ve thought about it enough, it starts to seem reasonable—maybe even likely. Then the big day comes, the fog lifts from your brain and reality sets-in.

There’s no dinner, no gift, no card, not even a telephone call from that special person who was supposed to make this the greatest birthday of your entire life—ever! Suddenly the shitty committee is laughing in your head “You big dope!” The curtain comes down hard on scene one of Imaginary Head Happiness, Take 2,560,982. Scene two is about to begin again; the one starring disappointment, hurt and anger. So, you spend the next few weeks pouting, while your special friend spends that time wondering what he or she did wrong. And who’s really responsible for this huge mess? You are.

No one on earth is a mind-reader. A friend, lover, spouse, co-worker or child has no way of knowing what we’re concocting in our heads. They can’t know our expectations unless we voice them, and even then, they don’t have to agree to do what we want. They also don’t have to be manipulated into doing anything. After all, we rarely give up when expectations don’t become reality. If what we wanted didn’t happen, we usually work pretty hard at forcing it to happen, of manipulating the outcome to the best of our ability. We may eventually get what we want, but in the end no one is happy. The other person resents being forced to do what we want, and we resent that they didn’t voluntarily do what we wanted to begin with.

Want to be happy? Want to take back some power over your feelings and your life? Then try throwing away most of your expectations; especially the completely unenforceable ones. Start by getting out of your head. That’s where all of the trouble begins. Instead of scripting a Disney fantasy in your mind, step into the real world and follow your heart onto each day’s new path. You may find a yellow brick road in the real world—one you can walk naturally without any need for manipulation. And it may just be the path of your best unrealized dreams. Give it a try and allow your soul to shine!