Be Who Your Are, Not Who You "Should" Be

“As I let go of the ideas I had about who I should be, I let go of my resistance to who I currently was—and suddenly I was free.”
Howard Falco, I AM

The word “should” is constantly in conflict with reality. “Reality” is the way things are. “Should” is the way we believe things ought to be or the way we want things to be. When we look at reality and find it’s in conflict with what we believe or want, denial kicks in and we begin to rationalize about how reality “should” be. This is a path we consistently follow by denying reality with our “shoulds.” It’s a path to nowhere but the land of misery.

Many of us have learned the hard way that we can’t fight reality and win, or be happy, unless that reality is something we actually have power over. The Serenity Prayer helps us to discern what we can change and what we are powerless to change about reality. It also teaches us that we must stop fighting, or “shoulding,” the reality we cannot change. We must eventually accept it in order to be sane, happy and free.

We have also learned that there is only one reality in this entire world that we actually have some power over and that reality is ourselves. We have no real power over any other person in this world--but us. We have no power over anyone’s life in this world and we can’t make people be what or who we think they “should” be—not even us.

Growing up we learned a lot from others about who we “should” be. Boys learn how boys “should” be and girls learn how girls “should” be. We also learned a lot about what we “should” and “should not” do, like, say, act, know, want, need, desire, love, think, feel and believe. We had so many shoulds thrown at us—and often imposed upon us through shaming tactics—that we never consciously were able to discover who we really were at that time. Our true selves were buried under an avalanche of “shoulds.”

As adults many of us are still busy about “shoulding” on our selves. Every day within our subconscious and conscious minds we are telling ourselves who we “should” be, or we are still allowing others to mold us into being who they think we “should” be. As a result, we beat ourselves up for not being who we or others think we “should” be and we are miserable. Our misery stems from the fact that we are in direct denial of who we really are.

Only God knows who we really are. God doesn’t have to “should” on us because God created the “reality” that we are. Since that time, most everyone else we’ve had contact with has tried to change the reality of who we are. Mom, dad, ministers, teachers, friends, enemies, salespeople, advertisers, et al are guilty of “shoulding” on us and of teaching us how to “should” on ourselves.

Well, it’s time we all stopped “shoulding.” We need to discover and accept the reality of who God created us to be, and we need to allow everyone around us to do the same. There is nothing wrong with the way we truly are. There is nothing wrong with the things about ourselves that we honestly can’t change. Once we all know the reality of who we are, we need to be that reality—no matter what anyone thinks. Everyone else on earth who believes we “should” somehow be different from the way God created us can take their “shoulds” and choke on them.

When it comes to who we are, there are only two opinions that truly matter: God’s and ours. Take time today to consciously stop “shouding” on yourself. Accept the reality of who you are, love it and set yourself free. Your soul will truly shine!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No One Can Calm Your Codependent Crazies, But You

Image
Ah, the codependent crazies. Those needy, needy feelings. I remember well the deep emotional pain in the pit of my stomach: The throbbing sting of shame, fear, loneliness and anxious desperation. Those feelings that are like fingernails on the blackboard of your soul. They eat you alive from within as they dig deeper and deeper into the black hole of your inner-emptiness. Yes, I remember them well. And I remember evenings of mental and emotional insanity-- squirming with a magazine, pacing back and forth, indulging in chocolate, chasing up and down the stairs hoping the doorbell would ring, and staring endlessly at the telephone for a sign of hope. All I needed was a call from my false higher power; a call that would help me to know that I was OK, that I was needed, that I was worth thinking about in some good way. I was dying to be emotionally caressed on the head like a poodle desperate for the attention of his master. And certainly I had made that other person into my mas...
Read more

If The Eyes Had No Tears, The Soul Would Have No Rainbow

Image
I'm sitting in a Panera Bread in Los Angeles, eating my cinnamon scone and preparing to cut my trip here short. I'll have to return home tomorrow and then fly to Omaha, Nebraska for a funeral. A young father in his 30s died there last Friday, leaving behind a wife and three small children. There are always questions in these types of situations: Why? Why someone so young? Why someone who had a wife and kids? The "why" questions can be endless, and there's never a quantifiable answer.  I don't believe in "it was just his time" or that God called him home. There's too much cruelty to these pat answers and they make God seem like a beast. What purpose could there be behind such imagined acts of God? I see no redeeming purpose to seizing a young man from his young family. I do believe that life happens. When someone dies and there is no acceptable answer to "why," I believe it's simply the human condition. It's the way...
Read more

The Bride of Gingy

Last night I was watching Scared Shrekless . The first “horror” story in this Halloween movie is called “The Bride of Gingy.” And Gingy’s bride is nothing short of an overly-clingy codependent nightmare. If you are familiar with the Shrek movies, you know that Gingy is the gingerbread man. In “The Bride of Gingy,” Gingy goes to see the village baker because he is lonely and wants a sweetheart of his own. So the village baker agrees to make a gingerbread girl for Gingy. As the baker begins to mix-in the proper amount of sugar, according to his recipe, Gingy insists that the baker include 10 times more sugar than the recipe calls for using. He wants his bride to be truly sweet. Within a short time, Gingy meets his dream girl, Sugar. Suddenly we see them skipping hand in hand through flower-filled fields while the song “Happy Together” by The Turtles plays in the background. But “happily ever after” is not how this story ends. Next we see Gingy and Sugar together in his gin...
Read more

Where There Is Kindness, There Is Goodness

Image
Author’s Note: The next few meditations will be from a retreat I directed recently called The Good News According to Disney . If you aren’t familiar with the films that are referenced, I’d suggest to take time to see them and to look for the deeper meaning within them. Many people today still live by the biblical adage “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” They actually believe that they will be at peace if they achieve revenge or restitution for any mishap that has befallen them at the hands of another. They believe they will reclaim their personal power once they have achieved their revenge, but this is impossible. Disney’s Cinderella (2015) reveals the true secret to owning one’s personal power and to retaining it no matter what we experience in life: “Have courage and be kind.” On the surface this motto looks a bit simple and wimpy. But in reality, it holds great power. That power comes from the heart of a person, or in this case Ella, who sees the world not a...
Read more