No One Earns Love Through Sex

“Do whatever you want with me,

anything you want with me,

fill me up with your memory.”

Foxy, Lady of the Streets (1979)

I believe love and sex addiction are derived from codependency. Some people have such a giant void inside themselves that nothing can seemingly fill it up aside from physical touch. In the same way that a sugar addict needs a donut or a shopping addict needs a new pair of shoes when they are ultimately feeling bad about themselves, a sex addict needs physical fulfillment.

The root cause of this addiction can be complex. Some sex addiction is rooted in the fact that a person was sexually abused as a child. But much of it derives from the fact that all addictive thinking is rooted in a deep sense of self-worthlessness. Addicts believe that they are inherently unlovable and that they have to earn love. For some addicts, sex becomes a viable way of earning love—or some form of validation of their worth from others that they actually mistake for love.

Unfortunately, there are those codependents who feel so inherently worthless that they are willing to say to anyone “Do whatever you want with me… fill me up with your memory.” They are desperate for some sort of affection and validation, and they are willing to do most anything—including sexually acting-out-- to feel as if someone cares enough to bother with them.

I have sat through CODA meetings where participants have admitted to having sex with people that they actually hated simply because they thought that these persons were the only ones who would have them—and they were desperate for someone to fill up their inner-emptiness and make them feel OK about themselves.

Sadly, as is true with all addictions, once is never enough for the sex addict. No one person can simply fill-up a sex addict with his/her memory and leave the sex addict satisfied. Once the high of a sexual encounter wears off, the sex addict is left on empty again; just like the alcoholic is left on empty once she sobers up, or the gambling addict is left facing his big inner-void again after his big night at the casino tables wears off. And so the cycle of acting-out—of self-abuse—continues.

No person, no amount of sex, no amount of alcohol, can relieve the emptiness of self-abandonment—which is what every addict ultimately suffers from inside. And when we are willing to have sex with anyone—even people we hate—we have definitely abandoned ourselves.

The only way the sex addict can reclaim him or herself is through self-love. And that self-love begins by reaching out to others, including God or a Higher Power. Once a person decides they are worth receiving help, they are exercising self-love and they have begun the journey toward recovery. This decision will hopefully lead them to open up to trusted people in their lives, to contact a therapist and to find a good support group. In these ways the sex addict—and all addicts—begin their quest to reclaim themselves, to love who they are and to believe that they have inherent God-given value that they don’t have to earn from anyone.