Putting the Brakes on Codependent Crazy Love



Codependent crazy love is all about a constant rush of anxious needy feelings. This anxious rush compulsively pushes the codependent into accelerating everything about a romantic relationship. Patience and common-sense fly out the window of the codependent’s mind. It’s like the codependent has his/her inner-accelerator pushed to the floor with no intentions of ever hitting the brake pedal.

Insanity informs the codependent that this new person is truly Mr. or Ms. Right, and so all caution and all boundaries are thrown to the wind. The codependent is ready to hop in bed and rush to the altar—without really knowing anything of significance about the object of his/her desire.

The codependent may know little about Mr. or Ms. Heartthrob, aside from his or her name. The codependent may not know where this person is from, his/her family background, if they are currently or ever have been married, where they work (if they even have a job), what their spiritual beliefs are, or whether or not they are an axe murderer. And yet the codependent is ready to give him or herself completely to this person.

Why would the codependent person do this? Because he/she is desperate for fulfillment. And that fulfillment is all about filling up his/her inner-emptiness; that nagging, gnawing, extremely painful black hole of worthlessness that’s inside every codependent person. He/she is desperate for a savior; someone who can shower constant approval upon the codependent’s deeply wounded inner-self.

So what are the warning signs of codependent crazy love? Here are a few of them: 1) meeting someone new and immediately thinking he/she is Mr./Ms. Right; 2) obsessively thinking about this new person; 3) Immediately fantasizing about marching to the altar with him/her and the happy life you are going to share forever and ever; 3) feeling crazy-empty inside when this person isn’t around; 4) feeling compelled to call, text, drop-by or see this person constantly; and 5) being willing to compromise yourself in any way to please this person into loving you.

In recovery, the codependent learns to put the brake on when he or she is caught up in codependent crazy love feelings. He/she learns to ask important questions like “What’s up with me that I’ve just met this person and already I’m visualizing the two of us on a honeymoon?” or “What do I really know about this person?” Asking what’s up with me helps us to realize that the craziness we’re feeling is all about us and not about the other person. These feelings are telling us that we aren’t practicing good self-care. And asking what do we really know about this person also brings us back down to earth. It helps us to realize that we don’t even know if we have anything in common with this person, aside from possibly addictive attraction—a poison we can live without.

The codependent also learns to regain common-sense along the lines of 1) people need to be friends before they become lovers; 2) I need to learn a lot more about this person before I can even consider him/her to be a friend; 3) courtship is a slow process that non-crazy thinking people take seriously; and 4) sex without real love won’t fulfill my needs. I’m worth more than that.

If you are in the throes of codependent crazy love get to a CODA or Al-Anon meeting and start reaching out to your Higher Power. Take time to realize that no one can cure your codependent crazies, but you. You have the power by realizing that you don’t need anyone’s approval but your own to make you OK.

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