Soulshine

Freedom from shame means being “on our guard” or aware of our feelings at all times. It means being able to catch ourselves when we are being swept down a dark alley of emotional pain fueled by shame. When we are aware of our shameful feelings, we are able to make a powerful choice between addictive acting out, or facing the feelings. When we choose to face the feelings, we can challenge the ugly thoughts that fuel them, and we can take our personal power back from shame. Facing our feelings requires that we be “courageous” enough to embrace them. It also requires that we be “strong” enough to ask for the help we may need to feel safe enough to fully recover our personal power. We know that help is available to us. We can seek help through our Higher Power and we can seek help from family and friends that we are able to trust. We can also seek help through professionals, like therapist, spiritual directors or clergy, and we can seek help through support groups. If we are ...

   Learning to love ourselves by facing our feelings, embracing them and accepting them is a major step toward healthy living. Once we take that step, we will find that it is only the first of many necessary changes we will be making in our lives. These changes will all bring about positive results, but none of these changes will be easy.    One of the most difficult changes we will need to make will involve our relationships with others. Like Gwen (Sandra Bullock) in the film 28 Days , we will find that some of our old friends and lovers are toxic for us. After Gwen left treatment, there was little doubt that she’d have to let go of her old lifestyle and all of those who are still living addictively if she wanted to remain sober.    Gwen does what she has to do concerning Jasper, her fiancé. She walks away from the relationship, but she does so without animosity. In other words, Gwen detaches from Jasper with love. She’s not angry with him and she do...

   Feelings are my friends. Say it over and over. Make it your daily mantra. We humans have been blessed by God with a myriad of feelings— all of which are present to help us process life and grow into healthy mental and emotional states. Yet, many of us learn at a very young age to avoid our feelings at all costs. We learn to run from them or to turn them off completely. Either way we end up become emotional pressure-cookers.    Emotionally unavailable people are left feeling nothing but an underlying numbness or shame-based anxiety. Sooner or later suppressed feelings cause us to explode into anger. This anger always ensures that shame will raise its ugly head and stare us in the eyes. And if we are unable to face this shame, we will run from the shame and into the arms of our addiction of choice.     What most of us fail to understand is that every time we are greeted by an uncomfortable feeling, like shame or guilt, we anxiously reach for the fire...

As I’ve emphasized before, addiction is an emotional dis-ease, and the primary emotion that fuels addictive behaviors is shame. So let’s define shame. According to Webster’s Dictionary shame is a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety. Merle Fossum and Marilyn Mason say in their book  Facing Shame  that "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." I agree with Fossum and Mason. Guilt is an emotional that arises when we realize we have said or done something hurtful or wrong. Guilt is primarily about our behavior, which we can change. It’s true that we can be ashamed of something we’ve said or done, or failed to say or do, but guilt is the primary feeling that motivates us to be responsible for our bad behavior. Shame, on the other hand, is a devastating feeling about our own defectiveness or inadequacy as a person. Shame is ...

I remember talking with someone who was feeling smothered in her relationship with a man. The man had moved in with her and they were even contemplating marriage. But she started feeling trapped. Every time she wanted to do something without him, like get together with friends or even go to a support group meeting, her boyfriend was upset. He felt threatened by anyone outside of the two of them, and would go so far as to say things like “Why do you need to talk with him?” or “Why do you need to hang-out with her? We only need each other. We don’t need anyone else in our lives.” In other words, this boyfriend was extremely needy, fearful and codependent. So I explained to her that his behavior and statements were huge red flags. For whatever reason, he was not giving love to himself, so he had made her his sole source of love. As a result, he was sucking every bit of love, attention and life out of her. And apparently his neediness was so great that he needed her 24/7. This great ...