How Well Are You Letting Go?

“In the end all that matters is how well did you love,

how well did you live,

how well did you learn to let go.”

Anonymous

The addictive personality thrives on control. It is hypervigilant and aggressive about making sure that all is as it “should be.” The need to control never sleeps. When we’re in this control-life-at-all-costs mode, we run on adrenaline and fear 24 hours a day. We are constantly monitoring everyone and everything around us. We must make sure that all of life cooperates with our desires, expectations and assumptions.

Whenever we discover a threat to our imagined serenity, we are quick to move into Terminator mode and stamp it out as quickly as possible. So we pull out our inner-arsenal of manipulative behaviors, like flattery, caretaking, people-pleasing and self-righteousness to beat down anyone who might be standing in the way of our perceived happiness. As a result, we “love” and “live” poorly.

Notice I said “imagined” serenity and “perceived” happiness. I used these words because control is an illusion. We never experience real serenity in control mode, nor do we ever experience true happiness. Think about it. All may actually be well in any given moment, but when we are being control freaks, we never really experience serenity or happiness. Why? Because we are always internally hyperventilating over any possible problem that “might” arise in the very next moment. There is no way for our minds or hearts to be peaceful or joyful when we are in forever trying to control life.

The obsessive need to control every moment makes us anxious, fearful, irritable, impatient, abrasive, frustrated and short tempered. We are constantly preoccupied with “what if” or “if only” thoughts, and so we are never really mentally or emotionally present to others, or life.

There’s only one solution to this addictive dilemma, and that is learning to let go. In Step One we admit that we are powerless—over addictions and all of life. We must do more than admit it. We must practice it. When I admit that I am powerless over life, and I truly mean it, I learn how to let go. In that very moment, I experience real serenity and real happiness because I feel the entire weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. That weight is removed by my willingness to let go. That very willingness surrenders my need to control into the hands of my Higher Power, who then takes charge.

For most of us, that authentic serenity is short-lived. It usually doesn’t take us long to default back into control mode; usually at the first inkling we have that something isn’t as it “should be.” This is where we need to change our thinking. We need to realize that in any given moment EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE. It may not be what we want, but it is what it should be. And we must learn to trust in life and trust in our Higher Power that all is actually well, even if it doesn’t look that way to us.

When we learn to trust in the moment, we learn to let go of our expectations and assumptions about how things should be. We then find comfort in flowing with the moment, each and every moment, just as it is. We learn to loosen up, relax, breathe and find joy in the moment—as it is, not as we would have it be. As a result, we become more peaceful. We then begin to love others better because we are able to accept them as they are instead of abusing them by trying to recreate in our own image and likeness. We also live better because we have surrendered and let go of our need to be Lord of the Universe. We are free of our fears and our anxieties. And in this freedom we find true serenity and happiness.