This Charming Man/Woman is So Wonderful! Really? Think Again!


Codependents are especially susceptible to being abused by charming people. This doesn’t mean that all charming people are manipulators. But there are those people who know they have a certain irresistible charm, and they’ve also learned that they can use that charm to get most anything they want. 

The narcissistic “charming” person is poison to a codependent, especially to a codependent who isn’t working a recovery program. The average codependent has very poor self-love and self-worth. As a result, they are immediately enticed by anyone who shows them the least bit of interest. The narcissistic charmer inherently knows this. So it’s easy for him/her to spot a gullible person with poor self-esteem, to flatter them, show interest in them and even mislead the vulnerable person into believing that the charmer loves him/her.

The narcissistic charmer is a master manipulator. They know that they can use their charm to get you to do most anything that they want. All it takes is the shear attention that this person offers for the unhealthy codependent to begin the process of bending over backwards for the charmer through their need to be needed. The codependent will immediately begin people-pleasing and care-taking the charmer.

The really dangerous thing about a codependent connecting up with a narcissistic charmer, is that, even if the codependent begins to catch-on that they are being abused, the charmer more often than not will convince them that they are wrong with phrases like “I’m only doing this for your own good,” or “If you really loved me, you do this for me.” The codependent’s self-worth is so unstable that they aren’t able to trust themselves, or their own gut instincts. And too often, they will believe the lies of the charmer and enable the charmer in abusing them (the codependent) further.

Recovery has taught me to avoid charming people who misuse flattery to get me to do something for them. I see through that behavior like cellophane today, and I no longer fall for the bait. I set boundaries and in doing so, watch the narcissistic charmers walk away. Once they realize I see through them, and that I refuse to be manipulated or abused, they inevitable exit my life. 

Thank God! And good riddance!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

No One Can Calm Your Codependent Crazies, But You

Image
Ah, the codependent crazies. Those needy, needy feelings. I remember well the deep emotional pain in the pit of my stomach: The throbbing sting of shame, fear, loneliness and anxious desperation. Those feelings that are like fingernails on the blackboard of your soul. They eat you alive from within as they dig deeper and deeper into the black hole of your inner-emptiness. Yes, I remember them well. And I remember evenings of mental and emotional insanity-- squirming with a magazine, pacing back and forth, indulging in chocolate, chasing up and down the stairs hoping the doorbell would ring, and staring endlessly at the telephone for a sign of hope. All I needed was a call from my false higher power; a call that would help me to know that I was OK, that I was needed, that I was worth thinking about in some good way. I was dying to be emotionally caressed on the head like a poodle desperate for the attention of his master. And certainly I had made that other person into my mas
Read more

If The Eyes Had No Tears, The Soul Would Have No Rainbow

Image
I'm sitting in a Panera Bread in Los Angeles, eating my cinnamon scone and preparing to cut my trip here short. I'll have to return home tomorrow and then fly to Omaha, Nebraska for a funeral. A young father in his 30s died there last Friday, leaving behind a wife and three small children. There are always questions in these types of situations: Why? Why someone so young? Why someone who had a wife and kids? The "why" questions can be endless, and there's never a quantifiable answer.  I don't believe in "it was just his time" or that God called him home. There's too much cruelty to these pat answers and they make God seem like a beast. What purpose could there be behind such imagined acts of God? I see no redeeming purpose to seizing a young man from his young family. I do believe that life happens. When someone dies and there is no acceptable answer to "why," I believe it's simply the human condition. It's the way
Read more

Become the Person You Want to Spend Your Life With Everyday

Image
I really don’t have to say much about the above quote. It says it all and it’s so true. We are too often taught faulty ways of thinking as children. So many of us get the wrong message at very young ages: Love is about finding the right person to love you. Looking back I realize I wasted many years trying to find that “right” person— the one who could love me into loving myself— instead of trying to BE that “right” person myself. It never occurred to me that I needed to love myself, nurture myself and accept myself enough to become the right person— the person I really needed most in my life. After all, what is my life without me? Now I know that I’m what’s been missing from my own life for years. My life is empty without me and without my spiritual Higher Power. This is true for all of us.  Once We find ourselves, become the “right” person God intended us to be, and become the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with, then we attract others into our lives who can co
Read more

Are We Projecting Our Insecurities Onto What Others Say or Do?

Image
During my Recovery, I’ve learned a great deal from Don Miguel Ruiz and his book “The Four Agreements.” Ruiz says, basically, if we live by these four standards, or agreements, we will be reasonably happy in this life: 1) Be impeccable or truthful with your words; 2) Never take anything personally. Other people’s behavior is about them, not you; 3) Never make assumptions (and I include expectations as well); and 4) Simply do your best. Learning to never take anything personally has been a life saver for me during Recovery. I used to make everything negative anyone else said or did about me. And, as a result, I made myself feel victimized or hurt, when the other person’s behavior had nothing to do with me. It was all about them and whatever difficulties they were poorly coping with at the moment. I don’t take things personally anymore. My behavior is about me and where I’m at mentally/emotionally/spiritually/physically, and other people’s behavior is theirs to own— not mine. Nev
Read more