We Have to Be the First Person To Say to Ourselves “I Love You”

I immediately loved this song, “No More I Love You’s,” on first hearing it in the summer of 1995. The melancholy tune, the beautiful background vocals and orchestral arrangements, and the very sad words completely appealed to my long-suffering heart. I was one year away from recovery from codependency.

Actually, it was kind of ironic, because at that time I’m not sure I’d even ever heard anyone say to me,”I love you,” least of all me, myself. Maybe others had said those words, but they weren’t believable to me because I didn’t love myself; and that made it impossible for me to allow anyone else to love me.

Hearing this song again today has made me realize that the “monsters” that are mentioned in the above quote are desire and despair: Two emotions that go hand in hand. One (desire) leads to the other (despair). That’s a point that Buddha certainly got right: Desire leads to suffering. 

It’s especially true when we desire things outside of ourselves, like love. Like so many of us with addictive personalities, I desired the love that my parents weren’t able to give me. So I suffered despair. They gave me the love they knew how to give: A nice home, private education, nice clothes, plenty to eat and money. But they didn’t know how to say “I love you,” or how to hold me or how to kiss or comfort me through good or difficult times.

Nor did my parents know how to affirm me or how to express their support when I was suffering emotionally. Instead, I was told I was too sensitive or that I shouldn’t be feeling the way I was. They expressed denial because they didn’t know how to emotionally express love and support.

As an adult I learned to “desire” the love of someone outside of me to validate me and to make me feel worthwhile. It never happened— mostly because subconsciously  I didn’t know how to allow it to happen— and so I suffered constant despair.

Through Recovery, I’ve learned that only I can fulfill my desire for love. I have to love me before I can even allow myself to feel the love of my Higher Power, of friends or of anyone. It all starts with me.

As long as we desire things outside ourselves, we will suffer. It OK to accept gifts from outside of ourselves, like the gift of someone else’s love, but if we desire it, we build an unpleasant trap for ourselves.  And that trap is called despair. 

Love yourself first and then accept the gift of love from others as it naturally comes to you, but never desire what doesn’t naturally come your way.