Soulshine

When I was younger, I had an overriding feeling that I didn’t deserve to be happy. It became most noticeable to me anytime I attended a family gathering. I never felt accepted for myself, at least not by my parents. And so when we would be at family gatherings, I always had a strong emotional revulsion to showing that I could be happy in any way. More often than not, at family gatherings, I’d sit and look sad. I rarely said a word. If someone asked me a question, I was irritated by it and would force as few words out of my mouth as possible in response to them. I otherwise refused to engage in any way. I remember wanting to engage with other family members and wanting to allow myself to be happy, but something deep inside of me always prohibited me from doing so. It was probably because I seriously felt flawed beyond being acceptable or lovable in any way. I felt more than simply “not good enough” to be an acceptable human being. I guess it’s no wonder that inside I felt ...

I talked recently about praying to be aligned with the positive energy of our Universe; with that energy that is God or Spirit. And I think that such a prayer is always fruitful. Sometimes we’re lucky and we go through a day aligned with positive energy and feeling really good, then suddenly something very negative happens and we are thrown for a loss. The natural inclination of many people, including myself, has been to return negative energy for negative energy. Someone cuts us off in traffic and we curse at them. But negative energy only begets more negative energy. So I’ve decided to stop reacting negatively when bad things happen or people are hurtful. Sure, I have to acknowledge the bad feelings I have in these situations and own them long enough to bring myself back to a positive balance. But I don’t have to have revenge or retribution. I’ve decided that it’s better to bless-away negative energy than it is to engage in it. I’d rather bless the bad energy that has c...

I talked recently about praying to be aligned with the positive energy of our Universe; with that energy that is God or Spirit. And I think that such a prayer is always fruitful. Sometimes we’re lucky and we go through a day aligned with positive energy and feeling really good, then suddenly something very negative happens and we are thrown for a loss. The natural inclination of many people, including myself, has been to return negative energy for negative energy. Someone cuts us off in traffic and we curse at them. But negative energy only begets more negative energy. So I’ve decided to stop reacting negatively when bad things happen or people are hurtful. Sure, I have to acknowledge the bad feelings I have in these situations and own them long enough to bring myself back to a positive balance. But I don’t have to have revenge or retribution. I’ve decided that it’s better to bless-away negative energy than it is to engage in it. I’d rather bless the bad energy that has c...

It’s never too late to learn to say to yourself “I love you.” I recently uncovered some old photographs from my days working at the Kentucky Court of Justice. They brought back wonderful memories of many friends I haven’t seen in a long time. But they also awakened something new in me. As I looked at myself in these photos I thought “Wow! I was really cute!” Never before have I looked at an adult photo of myself and thought anything positive about me. It’s always been “Oh, I look so fat!” Or “Oh, my hair looks horrible!” Or “God, look at that nasty acne!” But that wasn’t the case this time. When I looked closer at myself in these pictures I did see the redness in my face, the zit on one side of my nose, but it was OK. These horrors of the past, which had kept me from loving myself when I was in my 20s, didn’t keep me from seeing past them this time. I was able to see past them and recognize the beauty that was underneath them. I was able to see a nice face that I liked ve...

It’s important to talk about feelings. I believe feelings are the rainbow of the soul. They give color to life by transforming a one dimensional world into three dimensional. Feelings are beautiful and yet they are also devastating. It’s been six months since I stopped taking Zoloft, and since I started reacquainting myself with my feelings. For the most part, it’s been a good experience. I have had some bouts of terrible sadness. During those days, I learned to reach out to other people. I called friends, even old friends I hadn’t talked to in a while. Reaching out to others helped me to realize the importance of having a support system and that I don’t have to face difficult feelings all by myself. When I was younger, I always walked through all of my sadness alone. It wasn’t a healthy thing to do, but I never felt like anyone would really care. I realize that was a mistake now. We do need the support of others. Sadness is a healing feeling. It takes us from the edge of...

Recently I have been praying to “flow with the positive energy of the Universe,” and it’s working. God is spirit, or the energy that keeps the entire universe flowing, and I’d rather be aligned with that energy than aligned against it. I started saying this prayer for positive flow on Sunday and I have to say that yesterday (Monday) was one of the best days I’ve ever experienced. I felt nothing but positive energy all day. And I got tremendous positive energy back from others as well. My first stop yesterday was the carwash. Usually I’m preoccupied, self-conscious and impatient for my car to be ready, but yesterday I was focused and I journaled the entire time. Before I knew it, my car was ready. I then ran a couple of errands before heading to Baggins, one of my favorite sandwich shops, for lunch. I’m familiar with all of the clerks/sandwich makers there as they are with me, but yesterday we all had really positive energy flowing between us just like we were old frie...

“You Belong To You and not to me Love shouldn’t take away your liberty You Belong To You and no one else Let Love be a heaven and not a hell” Johnny Hates Jazz, You Belong to You (2013) This song lyric by Johnny Hates Jazz is music to every RECOVERING codependent ear. One of the first great lessons of recovery is that we don’t belong to someone else. Many of us spent years searching for that special person that we could belong to, that we could enmesh into and that we could loose ourselves in. Those were the days when all of our focus was outside of ourselves. Back then we thought our salvation existed within someone else. We expected that someone else was responsible for our lives and our happiness. All we had to do was find that special person and they would be our permanent fix. They’d magically transform everything about us. Suddenly everything that was so wrong with us would become so right. Ah, yes! Life would be so good! NOT!!! Every time we thought we’...

One of the most frustrating things about recovery is that it happens through baby steps. The modern world is all about having what we want NOW . Life moves as fast as light. We don’t want to wait for anything—much less happiness. But recovery is a lifetime process. It’s about taking those little steps toward mental and emotional sanity—and then falling hard on your ass. It’s about picking yourself up, saying “It’s OK” and getting to a support group meeting. Meetings provide us with the ability to acknowledge that we’ve made progress and to be happy about it. They also provide us with a means of expressing our frustrations with the mistakes we are still making. And they provide us with a means of owning and safely releasing the feelings that sometimes overwhelm us. Experiences and feelings intertwine between members of support groups. As they do, we know that we aren’t alone and that we aren’t “freaks” because of our feelings or the mistakes that we have made. As a...

I used to think that EVERYONE had to like me—or I wasn’t OK. I used to think that EVERYONE had to agree with me—or I wasn’t OK. So I learned to feel very bad about myself when I was disliked by anyone—even the stranger on the street. And I learned to hold my tongue around people whose approval I wanted. In other words, I learned to wait to hear what everyone else liked or believed before I put my two-cents into a conversation. That way, I could simply agree with them (even when I didn’t) and not have to worry about having someone shame me or make me feel lesser-than because I had different tastes or a different viewpoint. Essentially what I learned to do was to completely give myself away while I was giving away all of my personal power over my own life and feelings. I was OK as long as someone else agreed with me or told me I was OK. I was also a miserable little nothing if someone disagreed with me or refused to tell me I was OK. This made for a very miserable existence...