Whose Approval Do You Need?

I used to think that EVERYONE had to like me—or I wasn’t OK. I used to think that EVERYONE had to agree with me—or I wasn’t OK.

So I learned to feel very bad about myself when I was disliked by anyone—even the stranger on the street. And I learned to hold my tongue around people whose approval I wanted. In other words, I learned to wait to hear what everyone else liked or believed before I put my two-cents into a conversation. That way, I could simply agree with them (even when I didn’t) and not have to worry about having someone shame me or make me feel lesser-than because I had different tastes or a different viewpoint.

Essentially what I learned to do was to completely give myself away while I was giving away all of my personal power over my own life and feelings. I was OK as long as someone else agreed with me or told me I was OK. I was also a miserable little nothing if someone disagreed with me or refused to tell me I was OK. This made for a very miserable existence, and it meant that I could only be happy as long as someone else gave me permission to be OK with myself.

I eventually, through recovery, learned to stop caring about whether or not EVERYONE liked me. I started by asking myself this question: “Do I like EVERYONE I meet or know?” The answer was simple “NO, I don’t.” My next thought was “Then why should I expect that EVERYONE should like me?” The answer was equally as simple: “I shouldn’t.”

It makes no sense to expect that EVERYONE should like us. It’s a totally unreasonable expectation. Yet, the average codependent suffers from this expectation, which is probably rooted in an insatiable need for outside approval. And, most likely, the need for outside approval is rooted in a deep fear of abandonment. If I fear that people will reject or leave me behind, then I will desperately try to appease them. I will feel a strong need to gain their approval, to be liked by them and to keep them happy at all costs to myself.

In recovery we learn to give ourselves the approval that we have so anxiously wanted from everyone else. We learn to accept and love ourselves in ways that allow us to voice who we are, what we want, what we like and what we believe without any fear of someone disagreeing with us—and without any fear of being abandoned by them simply because we disagree on a few things.

If you are still struggling with the need for EVERYONE to like you or approve of you, then you need to get yourself to a meeting. Get involved in a CODA or Al-Anon group and learn to own your personal power! You are the FIRST person who needs to like you!