Face Your Feelings and Take Back Your Life

“My sin is always before me...I have done evil in your sight.”
Psalm 51, Book of Psalms

Some of us live with our sins “always before” us. And we experience God as Darth Vader. Our God-Vader is perpetually invading our privacy. He forever spies on us; watching for every lustful thought, every harsh word, every sign of selfishness, every possible screw-up. We believe God-Vader is out to get us. We feel unsafe. We are anxious. We have a devil on one side, ready to take us sin-tripping, and God-Vader on the other side, waiting to punish us for it.

Every day is a dark escapade of fearfully feeling lost and never feeling found. Life is an endless war. Our thoughts race with constant self-condemnation. Desperation becomes our constant companion. We are trapped in the parallel universe of scrupulosity. Scrupulous people tend to believe that everything they think, say or do is a sin. If they even breathe in the wrong way, or utter a prayer without giving it their undivided attention, they are guilty of sin and they must be cleansed immediately. For Catholics, this translates into a compulsive need for the Sacrament of Reconciliation.

Scrupulous people are endlessly uttering desperate confessions to priests for fear of being condemned. They have no faith in God’s forgiveness. After all, old God-Vader isn’t known for his compassion. He doesn’t have a tender side. He’s brutal to the core with “just” punishments. I know what this urgent fear is like. I’ve been there. And I’ve been cured.

My childhood God was an invisible cop, who was always spying on me and writing me up for mistake after mistake. My third grade teacher, Sr. Mary Brylcreem, told us that our souls were like little pure-white turtle shells-- until we sinned. Whenever we sinned, God placed a big black mark on our little white souls; one black mark for each sin. If we got sick and died, God counted up all of the black marks, and if there were too many, he threw our little souls into Hell. Yikes! No wonder I developed a scrupulous streak!

In 1995, the streak ended one rainy evening in St. Louis. I was in a scrupulous panic and phoned my confessor, Fr. Tim. He always indulged my sickness; always said yes to seeing me. When he picked up the phone, I spilled my desperate compulsion to rush over and make a confession, and then slammed into a brick wall: He said “No.” I was shocked. He had plans that evening (i.e., a life) and he could not hear my confession. I said "goodbye," dropped the phone, fell into a chair and sat shrouded in darkness. No one had ever said “No“ before. 

Rain pounded on the windows and a lonely streetlight beamed through the blinds. I felt betrayed. I felt like I was about to die, and I didn’t know what to do, so I just sat with my desperate feelings. Fear, betrayal, hurt, sadness, craziness, anxiousness, desperation and anger all raged around inside of me. I allowed myself to experience them all, surrendered them to God, and began the process of taking my power back from my scrupulous streak. To my amazement, all of these dreaded feelings slowly evaporated over the next few hours. I gradually felt at peace. It was a miracle. God was on my side after all, and the compulsion was broken. I was free!

Fr. Tim’s “No” wasn‘t fatal and it wasn‘t a betrayal. It was actually my salvation. He stopped enabling my compulsive behavior and helped me to end my scrupulous nightmare. I survived without having to make a confession. I was rescued by the true God’s love, mercy and forgiveness. I no longer felt like a worthless loser and God was no longer out to get me. If you’re struggling with scrupulosity, stop your self-condemnation and drop the compulsion to have a priest or minister rescue you. Sit with your feelings and surrender them to a God who truly loves you. Allow yourself to feel that love, instead of craziness, and allow your soul to shine!