A Study in 12 Steps: Reconciliation Means Making Amends to Ourselves and Others

   "Then the Scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery and made her stand in the middle. They said to him “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the very act of committing adultery. Now in the Law, Moses commanded us to stone such a woman. So what do you say?” They said this to test him so that they could have some charge against him. Jesus bent down and began to write on the ground with his finger. But when they continued asking him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let the one among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he bent down and wrote on the ground. And in response, they went away, one by one beginning with the elders. So he was left alone with the woman before him. Jesus then straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She replied, “No one, sir.” Then Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you.”

Gospel of John 8:3-11

Steps 8 and 9 are steps of reconciliation. Step 8 calls us to make a list of all the persons we have harmed over the course of our lives. Once we have our list of names, we prepare ourselves through prayer and heartfelt conversion to make amends to these people. Step 9 then calls us to actually make our amends to the people on our list. But Step 9 also cautions us to make amends only when it is safe to do so. If attempting to make amends would do further harm to someone, including ourselves, then we are advised against it. 

In situations like these, we can turn things over to our Higher Power. We can ask our Higher Power to help the person know in his or her heart that we are seeking their forgiveness, and we can ask our Higher Power to help us to know in our hearts that they have received our apology and have forgiveness us. This is also a good process to follow in cases where the person we need to make amends to is diseased, or their whereabouts are completely unknown to us.

In my Soulshine CoDA group, I urge people working Step 8 to follow the advice of Melody Beattie and to make two additional lists: 1) a list of all of the persons who have harmed them and 2) a list of all of the ways in which they have harmed themselves. Usually the list of those we have harmed and those who have harmed us parallel each other. The importance in writing the second list, however, is in the fact that we need to be able to forgive those who have hurt us if we are going to successfully ask them for forgiveness. The last list may be the most significant one simply because no one has been more harmful to us than we have been. We need to work hard on forgiving and making amends to ourselves. If we don't, we will find it very hard to be forgiving of others, or to own up to our past mistakes with them. We will be like the Pharisees that Jesus talks about in John's Gospel: Always ready to condemn others while refusing to acknowledge our own mistakes.

Unfortunately, like the Pharisees, we are often too quick to condemn others for not being perfect. We may nail them for every fault, every mistake, every act of cruelty, every harsh word, every selfish motive. Why? Because we constantly place ourselves under this same magnifying glass. Let’s examine this theory.

Many times we project the air of faultlessness to others. We criticize others while acting blameless. We want people to think we are faultless, but do we REALLY see ourselves this way? No. In fact we are sometimes ruthlessly unforgiving of others simply because we are so ruthlessly unforgiving with ourselves. We are constantly placing ourselves under the magnifying glass. We are thus constantly blaming and merciless to ourselves, and so we find it easy to pick up stones and cast them at others. It’s a defense mechanism that makes us feel safe in our shame, and that supposedly protects us from further disappointment and hurt.

This type of defense mechanism helps no one. It keeps us isolated and out of right relationships with God, ourselves and others. And it makes working Steps 8 and 9 very difficult. Are we really so sinful that we deserve to be stoning ourselves every day? No. Jesus Christ himself would never pick up a stone and cast it at us in condemnation. So it makes no sense for us to be casting stones at ourselves or others. We have no right to cast stones.

Instead we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and learn to say “neither do I condemn you.” Once we can be merciful and forgiving toward ourselves, “neither do I condemn you” will become a mantra within our hearts. And we will become equipped to share this same mantra-gentleness with others.

Self-empathy can work miracles. Once we realize that we commit many of the same errors that we find so grievous in others, we can learn to empathize with them in their brokenness. The more we begin to practice patience, kindness, compassion and empathy with ourselves, the more we will open ourselves to our Higher Power; and the more we will be given the grace to forgive everyone who has ever hurt us-- including ourselves. We will also develop a greater sense of personal power and responsibility and we will then find it easier-- almost refreshing-- to seek forgiveness from others we have harmed.

So let’s take time to think about the people in our lives-- past and present-- whom we have hurt in some way. And let’s make those lists of names. In fact, we might start by listing all the ways in which we have hurt ourselves, and begin by making amends to our very selves. If we can successfully empathize with and forgive ourselves, then we should be able to better empathize with and forgive others.

Be sure to involve your Higher Power in this process. We need guidance. Remember God does not condemn us for our flaws or mistakes; instead God forgives us. And we are called to be forgiving just as God is forgiving. Drop the stones, replace them with the tears of compassion and allow love to take you to a higher place-- a place of mercy, forgiveness, right-relationship and joy-- where your soul can shine!