Shame Is a Poison Arrow
"Do to no one what you yourself dislike."
Book of Tobit, Chapter 4:15
No one likes to be shamed and there are few things in life more damaging than shame. Yet many parents use shame to keep their children in line. “You should be ashamed of yourself” is an all too familiar statement that roars from the mouths of angry parents, and this particular lion’s roar is one that needs to be muted-- forever.
Shame cuts to the core of a person. It tells a person that he or she is somehow inherently bad, and that being bad or evil personified is who they are; their very nature. It also infers that somehow this same person is hopeless and beyond redemption. After all, no one can change who they are inherently. So a child who is condemned and shamed into being the bad boy or bad girl is marked by adults as if he or she is the anti-Christ.
No one can be created in the image and likeness of God and be inherently bad. That’s impossible. Bad is a word that needs to be used to define behavior, not the person. A person is not his or her behavior. Behavior is a form of expression. It is how human beings express themselves, and it is not always good. But bad behavior is not the essence of a person; whether they be a child or an adult.
When there are behavioral problems, instead of using harmful phrases like “You should be ashamed of yourself,” a parent could ask a child “How do you feel about what you did?” In this way, the parent allows the child to think about what he or she did and come to terms with how he or she feels about their own behavior. The parent could use follow up questions, such as “Do you understand that Sally’s feeling sad about what you said/did?” to help the child to process without telling the child how he or she should feel.
It’s not right to tell someone how they should feel. We can, however, legitimately ask a person how they feel about their own behavior if we find the behavior objectionable. In doing so, we honor them by allowing them to think and feel for themselves, and we refrain from judging them before we have all of the facts they have to offer us. It’s wrong to pass judgment and to condemn a person when we haven’t even heard his or her side of the story.
Shame is like a poison arrow that cuts through the soul of a person and destroys their self-worth. It’s also a destructive form of manipulation that is used to control people. The next time we feel compelled to use shame against someone, we need to call a time-out for ourselves and think for a moment about this line of wisdom from Tobit: "Do to no one what you yourself dislike." There is nothing good, holy or redemptive about shaming others—and it’s never for their benefit.
Let’s separate behavior from being, the sin from the sinner. We don’t have to like or tolerate bad behavior, but we also need to refrain from making people into their behavior. When we can see below the surface of the behavior, to the heart and soul of the wounded individual underneath, we will know that our souls are truly beginning to shine—with love, compassion, empathy and forgiveness.
Father Charlie,
ReplyDeleteI have to comment, if only because Tobit is my favorite book in the Bible. I remember very vividly the first time I went to confession. I really didn't know what to tell Father Finn, the ancient Irish priest who sat in the dark behind that screen, so I told him I "aggravated my mother four times." He may have stifled a laugh but then asked me what 'aggravation' was. I told him I didn't know. "Then how do you know you did it and that it is a sin?" I answered innocently, "Because my mother tells me several times each week!" You are so right. There are no bad people, only good people who sometimes make bad choices. All of us are obligated to be very sensitive to the people around us, young and old. Having raised four kids of my own, I know how they hung on each word I spoke. If I said the moon was blue, they believed me.