A Study in 12 Steps: Becoming Mature, Responsible People

"I will not boast, except about my weaknesses. A thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but the Lord said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of God may dwell within me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hard-ships, persecutions, and constraints; for when I am weak, then I am strong."
    St. Paul, 2 Corinthians, Chapter 12

Through 12 Step recovery programs we begin to see the light. We learn that personal power is brought to perfection through weakness. We learn to rely on a Higher Power. The first Three Steps, teach us to accept our human weakness and to surrender it to our Higher Power of choice. By acknowledging our powerlessness over life and letting go of our willpower, we move from being completely powerless over our addictive behavior to being strong enough to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and try again.

Like St. Paul, when we are weak we are better able to let go and allow our Higher Power to take charge of our lives. As soon as we make that choice, the doors of our souls open, and we are gradually made strong. What we could not do for ourselves, we allow our Higher Power to do for us. And miracles begin to happen.

These miracles include the ability to see that our greatest character defect has most likely been shame. This is often the big problem that has led to all of our other character defects: the addictions that have been symptoms of the bigger problem. Once we stop being ashamed of our very being, we experience the miracle of learning to be kind and loving toward ourselves. And through self-love, we start to gain power over our character defects. We eventually stop manipulating people, drinking, over-eating, drowning in drugs, surfing for pornography, seeking out random sex, compulsively shopping, vegging-out in front of the TV or gambling away every last penny.

Today, let's take some time to look at our character defects. This is Step Four of the 12 Steps: Conducting a fearless and thorough moral inventory of ourselves. The willingness to acknowledge them will helps us to understand how our addictive behaviors worked to our detriment and that of others. Step Four requires us to ask ourselves tough questions like: Did we withhold an invitation to a party because we were fearful we might lose our significant other to someone better than us? Have we been hiding liquor around the house while pretending we are remaining sober? Did we tell a friend we couldn’t make his birthday party celebration because of business commitments when in fact we were at an adult bookstore? Have we hidden away new merchandise and adjusted the bills to hide our purchases from our spouse?

Next, let’s ask ourselves what motivated such actions. Was it shame, as previously mentioned, or was it self-hatred over not being able to live-up to parental expectations? Was it that we have never felt loved or lovable? Knowing the root problem of our addictive behavior means we may need to face the darkness of our past. Many addictive behavioral patterns were learned and reinforced during our childhoods. It may be that we experienced some sort of shaming situation in which we were so hurt that we needed to medicate the pain to survive. So we began imitating our parents by turning to some person or “thing” to alleviate our painful feelings.

As we uncover our character defects, let’s try to think back to when we first started engaging in these behaviors. How old were we? What happened to make us act-out? When we are uncertain, we can ask our Higher Power  to help us uncover the answers we need. And we can ask our Higher Power to continually uncover the character assets that have been buried under our defects. It's important that we acknowledge our character assets. We all have them, and Step Four isn't about beating ourselves up. It's about taking responsibility for our bad behavior and acknowledging that under that behavioral mask, we are good people created in the image and likeness of God.

Once we have worked Step 4, we can move on to Step Five, which requires that we confess our character defects with someone we trust and feel safe with one to one. Acknowledging our character defects to another person helps us to truly take ownership of them. It also helps us to prepare for Steps 8 and 9, the steps that require us to make amends to the very people we have harmed through our behavior. 

Becoming responsible people by owning our behavior is the purpose behind Step 4. In the process, we admit that we are weak and that we need a Higher Power to help us be strong and whole. This step helps us to become honorable people. Step 5 moves us out of our own little world and into the real world as we take ownership of our behavior before another person. This step then prepares us to take ownership for our lives before all of the world. And together, these steps allow our souls to shine.