Codependency is "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" in Real Life

Codependency is so encompassing and baffling that it’s hard to define in words. We can visualize it in our minds, however: Just think “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”

Codependency causes people to focus on the lives of others, usually one person in particular. The codependent person obsesses about this person, takes on all of his or her problems, likes and dislikes, and essentially begins to live the life of the person they have attached themselves to. In this sense, codependency really is like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” A codependent person takes on the life of the other person, and leaves their own life behind. They think and breathe the life of their hostage.

The old joke in recovery circles is that codependents don’t make friends, they take hostages; and it’s really true. The codependent has so little self-worth that they actually loose themselves in the other person. They attach to the other person, cling to that person and eventually suck the life out of the person.

In some ways codependent people are like mistletoe. In the desert, mistletoe attaches itself to Palos Verde trees because it can’t survive on its own. So it clings tightly to trees and sucks the water—and life-- out of them. It’s very similar to the way codependents attach to particular people for survival. The codependent believes he or she can’t exist or make it in life on their own. They have so little love for themselves that they don’t mind being someone else’s shadow. And they mistakenly believe that they will be safe if they can just fade into that someone. They naively think that their hostage can rescue them from the harsh realities of life.

Of course every hostage is different and has different ideas about living their own life. This presents a challenge for the codependent. Ah, but have no fear: The average codependent is well equipped to deal with rebellious natures. Every codependent comes armed with tremendous control techniques: Caretaking, people-pleasing, withholding affection, crying or threats of self-harm, and martyrdom are but a few of their controlling tricks. Yes, codependents are masters of manipulation. This is because the codependent, on a subconscious level, knows he or she must control the hostage. Controlling the hostage is essential to ensuring the happiness of the codependent, or so the codependent thinks.

Actually control and happiness are opposites. There is no way to effectively control life and be happy as a result. Controlling life is beyond human capacity. It’s impossible and the harder a person tries the unhappier they become. Happiness happens naturally when we accept ourselves, others and life as they are. When we let go of the need to control, life flows naturally as God has planned it, we flow naturally with life and we attain true and lasting happiness. This is a lesson that most codependents don’t learn until they hit bottom.

Hitting bottom can sometimes happen when a hostage rebels. Sooner or later, all hostages do. They get tired of constantly being told how to live their lives, of being manipulated into doing things they don’t want to do and of being smothered by the constant needs of the codependent. Every hostage eventually wants their body—and life—back, and they will break free of their body snatcher. If the rebellion is furious enough and the relationship ends, the codependent may receive just enough of an eye-opening reality-jolt to finally see their own need for professional help.

If you think you can control the world around you and ensure your own happiness, think again. There’s nothing wrong with the people in your world. The problem is with you. Counseling and a support group can help you to fix yourself. God, or a Higher Power, is also an essential part of the mix. Recovery is about feeling good in your own skin and about getting your real, one and only, life back. So if you feel like snatching someone else’s body or life, forget it. There’s no happiness to be found in being someone else’s “mini-me.” Face yourself, take your life back and love yourself into allowing your own soul to shine!